I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
