if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
