I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
