just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
