You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
