I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
