I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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