my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
