i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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