i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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