omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
