I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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