I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
