I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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