who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
