obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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