when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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