i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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