woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
