Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
