Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
