Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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