My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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