She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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