Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I cut my penus on the lid.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
