Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
