No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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