The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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