ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
