Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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