She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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