Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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