my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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