He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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