he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
