I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
