She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
being pregnant is like rehab
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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