I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
