the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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