I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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