i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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