what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
