Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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