Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
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His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
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Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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