I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
