Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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