I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
