Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
