Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
