who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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