toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Randomize
