Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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