he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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