So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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