She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
