Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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