pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
