my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
