when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
