my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
