Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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