I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
